Emma: Hello. Welcome to calls with your kinky bestie. I'm Emma. I am a submissive and mentor for fellow kinksters. This podcast is all about insights into kinky life and dating. sharing my personal experience and stories and helps your mindset shifts, too, to get you into a confident space. more confident than you are now. Get ready. It all starts now.

Welcome back. Let's talk about vetting. Let's have a cute little conversation on what vetting is, what it's not. different ways that you can do this. Some tips for vetting. I'll tell you what vetting looks like for me and just all the cute shit. Let's fucking do it. I polled my Instagram community recently, and let's go over the results first because I think this is really interesting and I learned a lot from it. So, obviously, like, my. My community that I'm pulling is going to be a little bit biased because they're all people that, like, know that they're looking for kinky stuff. If they found me, and are probably neurodivergent, a lot of my audience is. So just there's that little caveat of, like, that's the sample size we're pulling from. And, here are the results. So I gave four different options. and I asked, you know, people to dm me their thoughts, too, and I got some cool answers I'll share here and talk about, but the most popular response with over 50% of the vote is that their vetting is a casual conversation. And then the second vote after that is, I don't know if I am betting with 19% of the vote. The third most popular after that is that they have with 16% of the vote, is that it's an explicit interview style conversation, which is, I think, what we'd consider to be more traditional vetting in the BDSM community. And then the fourth, like, the least popular answer is that they rely on references from friends. So let's dig into that.

The first thing, because 20% of the vote was that, you know, someone doesn't know if they are vetting. Let's chat a little bit about what vetting is. So, vetting is, a term within the BDsm community. It's m basically about, like, getting information to make a decision about whether or not this person is going to be, a safe partner for you to do a certain thing with. So you are going to be doing this for physical safety. You're also going to be checking for compatibility during this process. and also, like, vetting is usually when you're going to share, like, what you're looking for in more detail too, because what you're asking questions about is going to be related to what you're looking for. So that's what vetting is. I mean, the closest thing you could compare it to is like, if you are interviewing for a job, where you both have this common goal of, like, you want to have the job and they want to hire you, but you're going through this interview process to, like, really make sure this is the right fit before you're making that, like, big commitment of being hired. so and vetting, like, because we're comparing this to interviews, let's share that. Like, it's mutual. So when you're interviewing for a job, yes, the employer is kind of in a little bit more of a control position. Cause they have this thing that you want. but it's mutual too. So, like, they're asking questions to make sure that they like you as an employee and that you're capable of doing the job and are going to be a good fit for them. But this is also your time to, like, make sure that you like the company and you'll like the job and that it's what they've advertised it to be and all that stuff. So it's really meant to be mutual. and the idea is that this is a thing that you would do, like, before a decision. So, like, before the job starts, before there's a contract, before something happens, you're doing this process first. Like, your first interaction with them is not like you just going in and doing the job for the day. It's like them talking to you first. the same way, like how in a, you know, within the BDsm community, you wouldn't just have a start a scene with someone without talking to them at all or knowing who they are. you know, usually what I'm sure you know, if people have, and that's a thing, but the purpose of vetting is that you would do this first. So that's a little bit about what it is.

I also want to talk about, like, what vetting is not, because I think there's some misconceptions. So vetting is not a sure thing. No matter how many questions you ask, no matter how much time you spend with a person, it's never a guarantee that that person is always going to act in the way that you want them to act. You know, someone might unintentionally endanger you like, it's never a sure thing. Same thing as how, like, you know, wearing condoms are a great way to protect yourself from certain Sti's and things like that. But there's no such thing as safe sex. There's only, like, safer sex. So that's the purpose of vetting, really, is to have safer scenes and safer, VDSM and stuff like that. But it's never, like, it's never going to be guaranteed that just because you vetted a person, it's going to be good. it also is not a one and done situation is what. And this might be a little bit more controversial because I think there's some people who might argue otherwise. that's kind of how it's portrayed is that, like, you have this conversation, then you make this decision, and then, like, that's it. They're vetted, they're good. but to me, vetting is not one and done. It is an ongoing process as you are learning and growing and changing as a person and your wants and needs change. And that's going to be the same for any human. So if you're with a partner, that's the purpose of vetting is like someone external coming in. It's going to be the same for them, too, where they're changing as a person. And also, sometimes it's not even that, like, we are changing. Like, it might not be that your needs and wants are changing, but that you're becoming more aware of your needs or wants or learning to prioritize them in different ways. So, like, because nothing is static. Like, you're not static, the person's not static. The practice that you're doing, like, the dynamic and whatever that you're having is not static either. It's going to change over time. I think vetting is an ongoing thing as all of those pieces are moving, too. Vetting is also not something that has to look a specific way. It doesn't have to be a sit down interview. You don't have to grill them. You don't have to ask specific questions. there are a bunch of lovely tools on the Internet, like lists of questions or like, vetting checklists or something or recommendations that you could go through. But like, to be clear, those are tools and you can use them if they're helpful to you, but you're really going to need to customize your vetting to you and what you want and what you're going to need to know to be safe, to, you know, to feel safe or, compatible with this person. To do that thing that you want and also, like, literally where you are and, you know, again, customizing it to what it is that you do want. That's a little bit on what vetting is and isn't. Okay. And then 19% of the vote was that they do not know if they're vetting.

So let's talk about this, too. Whether you are conscious of it or not, you are vetting all the time. All the fucking time. like when you're shopping and you're doing research, reading reviews on that product before you decide to buy it. Like, any type of research that you're doing before you're making a commitment or decision is vetting. So you are vetting. You might not be vetting in a way that's getting you the thing that you want. So we'll talk about how to do that in this episode. but let's just share that no matter how you're doing it, just so you know, you are vetting. This is not some crazy foreign concept. You are vetting today. You're vetting all the time. and people are also vetting you all the time. It's just part of, like, social interaction. Like, whenever you are about to have a conversation with someone and you bite your tongue and you decide like, hey, I don't know if this person, if I should say this thing to this person, so maybe I'm going to ask a question and, like, gauge if this is the right person I want to tell this to beforehand. You are vetting, like, you're vetting all the time, so let's just, like, make it more clear what that is so that you can, like, really use it to your advantage and again, use it more consciously. So you're vetting all the time. If you are not happy with the situations that you're getting into, then that is a really strong cue to change how you're vetting. Like, if you're learning after a play scene or during a play scene that this person's doing a thing that you don't want, that is great information to take with you as a cue to change your vetting process accordingly. so, like, this is a thing that you can learn. Well, this will be a thing that you're going to learn as you go, because no matter how you start your vetting process, it is going to change over time as you're getting feedback in situations about, like, how well that worked or how much information you really knew before getting into a situation. So there's that. so you're going to be learning as you go, no matter what. And you're vetting all the time. But the purpose of vetting really is to like prevent negative things from happening, like those situations that you don't want, those unsafe situations. It's like doing the footwork ahead of time so that you're not there at all. So if you're listening to this episode before you've had like a negative situation and you're unclear on your vetting process or want to hone it in a little bit, this is the episode for you. Let's get more into this. So that's just a little blurb on vetting. How we're kind of viewing this today. we're gonna take a little break and don't go away because when I'm back, we're gonna talk about like trick to make this really simpler and de intimidate the idea of vetting while also making this more reliable and telling you, teaching you, like how to start customizing this for yourself too. So be right back. Just a little break to share that if you are loving this podcast and my content, if I'm someone you could see yourself working with, but you're wanting more direct support for your specific situation, I do offer mentorship. It's personalized to you. Private, video or phone calls with me so you can chat about your situation, and figure out a solution that's going to work for you. You can visit my website, it is kinkybesty.com mentorships to see what's available and to book in your spot on my calendar. it's kinky with a y at the end and bestie with an ie at the end. The link will be in the show notes so you can check it out there.

Back to the show. We're back. We're talking about vetting. We're going to de intimidate it. I'm going to give you some practical tips to start making your vetting more intentional. but before that happens, I want to do a quick little debunking because in those lovely tools, we talked a little bit about tools that exist for bdsm vetting, like lists of questions or checklists or things that are recommended practices to vettiprosin. And I wanted to challenge those a little bit because I don't think they're foolproof. so sometimes people will use references as a part of their vetting process. and I polled my community. I asked people how, what their vetting process looks like and 13% of the vote shared that references are part of it. and this is something that I think people are, like, really quick. Some people I've met m are quick to offer this, like, hey, do you want to talk to a past partner as you're going through the vetting process? I'm gonna be honest with you and share that. Like, this is not something I put a lot of weight into anymore, and I would challenge you on how much weight you put into it, too. Here's why. You are not your friend, and the perfect person for them might be the complete wrong person for you. So there are certain things that you, I think, can use references for. Like, if a friend told me, like, hey, they always respected, my safe words, like, that's great information to know, but it still might not mean that this person is going to be compatible match for me. so I don't think we should be put like that. I don't think that should be the sole deciding factor simply because what you want is always going to be different than, you know, your friends. Even though. Even if a friend knows you really, really well, like, you're just different people. And just, like, no one has your best interests in mind better than you, no one's going to be a better protector of yourself than you. So that is the. That's part of what betting is, is, like, you learning how to do that for yourself and, like, be a good advocate, for yourself. And that's going to be a skill that's going to serve you well. Within a BDSM dynamic, too, is an awareness of that and a knowledge of how to do it. So references, take them with a huge grain of salt. I say use it as additional information, but not the sole information.

Okay. And then another thing that comes up frequently in those tools is asking about experience of BDSM. And I also think this should not really be, like, a huge deciding factor, and I don't think we should just kind of take it at what it is. so, okay, for example, if you're vetting someone and you ask, hey, how many years of BDSM experience do you have? Let's say they say, I have ten years. Cool. that can mean fuck all. That could mean. Well, even if they have that experience, just because they have this experience doing the thing doesn't mean that they're doing it in a good way. Like, there are plenty of people who have been on this earth long, old time who are doing shit wrong, who are not taking feedback, who are not learning from their mistakes. There's even a, you know, this slight, you know, risk or thing of like, the longer someone is doing the wrong thing, they think it's the right thing. So I really think experience should not even be considered. Like, okay, it's great, maybe great to know, but it doesn't really mean anything. It really doesn't. because, you know, you don't really know what they've been doing for those ten years or how they've been doing it or who they've been doing it with or, you know, you just, that doesn't say what we think it says. so I really take that with a grain of salt. and instead, what I really encourage you to focus on is, like, instead, what are you hoping to, what are you hoping that they know or do because of that experience that you're hoping for? Are you hoping that they have a really strong awareness of, like, consent practices or certain practices? Well, what do you want to know? What are you hoping that that experience question will answer? Ask those questions instead. so those are two little calls I want to have as like, experience and, like, references might not mean what you think I, they mean, and I don't think you should rely just on those. I think there's a much bigger stake in the conversational piece of the questions you're asking and the answers that you're getting. But here's this other element I wanted to bring into the vetting conversation is I think observing someone's behaviors is also a really big component of this. and of course, it depends what you're vetting them for and what you're trying to do. We'll talk about that a little bit, too. but I really think sometimes a person's words don't match up with their actions. So if you're vetting them for a bigger commitment, like maybe a dynamic, maybe like a longer term relationship, I really think time needs to be a factor too, and time spent together so that you can observe how they're acting versus what they're saying. Because someone might say that they have a certain ideology and belief, but their actions might not line up with it. So I think that should really be taken into consideration, too.

Now let's talk about practical tips for vetting. So now you have all this information. You know what it is, you know what it isn't. You have kind of some caveats. but how, like, what do you do with this? Now what do you do with this? So this is, I got this as a, I was really relieved that I got, someone replied to me and shared this, too. let me just pull it up and read it. Okay. They shared it. Depends on who I'm vetting and what for. Like, if I'm vetting a new, casual potential partner that starts off with a casual conversation, but after a few dates, I'll generally run through a kink checklist and look for compatibility. But if it's, for a one off playmate, for a specific scene, then it might just be a conversation to make sure they have all their faculties. Amazing. And that's really, like, the conversation I wanted to have is that, like, the vetting conversation is going to look different depending on what you're wanting out of it. So before you're considering a person for a specific thing, think about what is it that I want to have happen and that they want to have happen. That's why we're talking together. And then what do I need to know to feel safe to do that, to be able to choose this person as a good person to do this with? So if you're going into a scene, let's say you're in a public environment. Well, public ish environment. Let's say you're at a bdsm club. So there are other people around. There are certain rules in place. Like, you know, usually there's, you know, identification is checked at the door, and usually there's some sort of higher level, like, I don't know, broader vetting that's happening where they're, you know, making sure that you're not on a sex register, sex offender registry list or something like that. so you might know that everyone in that room, at least, is not a sex offender legally. but you're in a space where there are, you know, there's some moderation and so. And some rules. So you know that even if a certain thing did happen, like, there would be some quick intervention and, you know, like, some basic information about this person, like they are not a registered sex offender or something like that. Whatever the process is, obviously depends on the club, or the environment or where you are. But if you're in an environment like that, there's some things that, you know, because you're there. And you also, like, have some sort of safety net because you're there. You're not, like, you know, in this person's private home where, like, anything could happen or you could be whisked away or something like that. like, there's just certain things that are set up in the situation for you, which is nice. but m so then you get to look at, I know these certain things are in place no matter what, regardless of the person. So that's great. But for this thing that I want to have happen right here, what do I need to know? Like, do I need to know that they understand my safe word? Do I need to know that they understand, like, the limit of how far to take this without me so that I don't have to be the one to see it in the moment? Do I know that they're never going to get there? it's really just about customizing it to what it is that you are wanting and all those different situational elements too, like, where you are and what's going on. and so if you're in those, like, a scene situation where the environment is controlled, it gets to be a little bit shorter, which is really, really nice. but, you know, not always. It depends on you. You can have a longer process. It can be just as long for you as what you want, as long as that person is okay with doing that, too. but this is, like, kind of my refreshing perspective and how I like to look at it, especially when you're vetting and, like, considering someone for a longer term partnership, like, a dynamic, is. I always consider this like a. I'm doing this as I go, and I'm usually doing this, like, right before we try something. So, like, okay, I vetted them, and we've had conversations to do, like, this specific practice together. Like, okay, we're on the same page about, like, using anal toys or something. Great. Okay, before we move on to this next thing, like, fisting, or, I always try to come up with examples in the moment and then, like, ooh, I don't know what to say. but before we move on to something new is. That's when I'm gonna like, okay, let's vet and have a conversation about this thing before we do this. so I prefer to do it on, like, a rolling basis. Whoa. I don't know if you can hear that really loud, like, motorcycle or something that just passed by. That was crazy. but so I like to go on, like, a rolling basis as things are changing and different things are being introduced. but I also like what I like about having a longer process when it is for something like that. Longer commitment is really focusing on the behaviors as well as the words. So, like, I'm learning over time, like, we're gaining trust. Whenever I communicate, I want a certain thing, and they do that thing, like, we are gaining trust. Whenever I use a safe word. And they respect it. We're gaining trust. And even outside of the bedroom things, too, like, whenever they keep their commitments, I know that they're going to, you know, it's more evidence for the case that they would do the same thing within a bedroom dynamic, too. So it really gets to build over time, which is really lovely. and that's the other thing I really love about it. is that it's not like it doesn't have to be the, let's sit down and ask you all these questions for the purposes of this, and then trusting that forever, but just, like, doing this on the rolling basis. So I'd be curious to know if you were one of the people that voted that, like, you don't know if you're vetting. You might already be doing this. You just might not realize it. but that's kind of like the take that I have on it, so it's totally okay. Let's, like, recap before we move on. Vetting is ongoing, so it is totally okay to do this as you go, as long as you are, you know, ideally getting that information before you're in, the situation, because that's what makes it vetting rather than, like, learning from trial and error. That's the purpose of vetting, is to, like, prevent negative, situations from happening. So, like, you can vet as you go. That's totally cool. It doesn't have to look like the way that bedding looks for anyone else. It can look how you need it to look. However, like, whatever information that you need and however you want to get it to trust, or trust to a certain extent that I'm ready to do this thing with this person and this is the right person for it, is a okay. and I really think that DM, I got really nailed it on the head of, like, do you have your faculties to do this? so regardless of anything else, what are the super basics? Like, do we under, like, do we have a safe word established? Do we have, like, an emergency plan established? And then am I in a decision to follow with that? And are they in a place to be able to follow that, too? And do we both understand what we want from each other and what's going to happen? So. Oh, my gosh, my jaw is on the floor. Jaw's so tired. I'm going to end this conversation here. I hope this is really valuable for you. I'd love to hear from you if you have different thoughts or just things you want to share about vetting, all that goodness. And we'll talk later.

One little thing I wanted to share is that I'm actually bringing vetting into my kink mentorship practice. So I still think that vending is an ongoing thing. but I also. So if you don't know, I'm a private kink mentor. So folks who, like, want some mentorship or guidance or just, like, you know, community with a shared person who gets it, like, privately, you can get that with me. It's lovely. I've got, you know, have links for it in the show notes, as always. but I know that, like, it can be a lot to share things, and we've been going on a bit more of like a, okay, let's do it as we go and learn about each other as we go. but I decided to offer vetting calls as a way to just, like, have a conversation before we have a mentorship conversation almost. So it's like, ah, okay, before we decide to hop into this, like, relationship and dynamic, let's have some time to just, like, make sure that we are the right people to do that with. so I'm very excited to offer that. Very soon, it might already be up. if it's not, just know that it's coming. We'll have links for it in the show notes whenever it is. and we will chat soon in the next one. All right, bye. Thank you so much for joining me this episode. You can follow the podcast on the platform where you're listening to get updates with new episodes. You can follow me on social media inkybesty. I'm on Instagram. You can also check the show notes for any links or resources that I talked about in this episode or just more ways to connect with me. And please share this with your kinky friends who could benefit from this type of content. there is also an option for each podcast episode to engage with, Q and A's or polls. So I love to hear from you and create future episodes around what you want to chime in with. So please check those out in the show notes, too. And I look forward to hearing from you. Bye.