Hello. Welcome to calls with your kinky bestie. I'm Emma. I am a submissive and mentor for fellow kinksters. This podcast is all about insights into kinky life and dating. sharing my personal experience and stories and helps your mindset shifts too, to get you into a confident space. more confident than you are now. Get ready. It all starts now.

Hello, welcome back to calls with your Kinky Bestie podcast. This episode today we're going to dive into ADHD accommodations and workarounds that you can make for yourself within a BDsm dynamic. Because it's pretty, like, I think it's well established at this point that a lot of folks with ADHD or just like neurotypical brains are attracted to BDsm, and like, are able to use the BDSM lifestyle, like, as a way to accommodate for themselves. it can really. There's so many different ways. I'm not going to get into all of them today, but a few of vowels, like rattle off are like, it's a nice way to create structure, but in a fun way. Like, it's still a taboo element. So it's like novel enough for your brain to be interested, obviously, like tons of novelty. There's always more new things to explore, explore and incorporate. It's also very clear. So if you struggle with, like, nuance and understanding, like undertone and under text and things like that, bdsm and the whole community and lifestyle is fucking awesome for that because we're all about super spelling it out and getting really clear about what's going to happen, why, what our boundaries are, and like, those super clear and direct conversations, it's really fucking attractive. and also, this is more of an ADHD thing, but it's nice that the BDsm scenes and dynamic and stuff can really keep you focused because they can be really controlling and heightening sensation can be a part of it. So, yeah, if you are someone who normal sex, quote unquote, nothing's normal, you know, but like, if non spicy sex, you have a hard time staying focused. The BDSM lifestyle, and just like, those types of seating and things can be really attractive because usually inherently in the scenes, there's a lot of focused attention and, yeah, all that good stuff, so. But that's not what this episode's about. This episode's about once you're in that bdsm lifestyle, and dynamic, what are some accommodations you can make for yourself? So let's chat about it. I'm going to share, some ways that I do this for myself in my own dynamic. So you get some examples and then also, like, how you can start determining this for yourself and customizing this to you, your relationship, your life, your needs, and all that good shit. It's a big one.

But first, let's have a little chat. I've got some. Personally, it's been a little bit of a stressful time in my life. Going through some transition and in a phase of, like, unsure, in a phase of don't know what's gonna happen next, which is a little, you know, more than a little stressful. I've been stressed. So apologies for missing last week's episode. While I've been going through that, I've also had a bit of a pause with taking in new mentees, you may have noticed. So I'm, still going strong with my current mentees. I have not been, like, attracting and bringing in more, so expect a little uptick of that whenever I am. You know, things are settled down and all that good stuff. I've also got some travel coming up, so you'll. If you're not following me on Instagram already, that's probably the best way to stay in touch during this time. I'll try to post travel photos. I'm doing an abroad trip with my partner next month, and then next week I'm doing an abroad trip, like, by myself for my day job and all that stuff. And I, like, stress is. Travel is a stressful thing for me as well. I have a hard time with the transitions. so I'll probably be a little bit quieter on the email list, but I'll record some podcast episodes ahead of time. So you'll still have good stuff coming, but that's just where I want to share what's going on in my life.

 Okay, ADHD accommodations for within your BDSM dynamic. First thing I wanted to share is, like, more at a higher level. So one of the ways I've set up my life to work really well with, you know, BDSM and my brain and all that good shit is just generally setting up my life in a way where I do not have to hide because honestly, like, I'm forgetful. If I had, you know, if I had roommates that were I was trying to hide this from, it probably wouldn't work. I would just leave something out. and that's just, like, a stressful way to live, to have to, you know, hide what's going on with you. So think about, like, how can you set up your life in a way where you don't have to hide? So some ways that I've done that, obviously I am openly kinky in many, many areas of my life. Like, most of my friend group is kinky. Now, obviously I have a kinky partner and I'm in some kink spaces, and then I'm actively working to grow a kinky business so that eventually my income will come from a place where I can be totally open about my kink too, which is fucking awesome. So obviously this is like a longer term goal. This isn't going to be like an overnight change you can make, but it's like something you build up to by making a lot of overnight changes of, like, great. I'm going to see if I can connect with a kinky person online in a friendship way and start growing my circle of people that I'm around and all that good stuff. So what are some ways that you can start setting up your life so that you don't have to hide as much for the reasons of, like, avoiding the stress and, like, knowing that you're forgetful, like, you still might be outed anyways. and then another reason that you might, like, really need to, need to consider and focus in on this is especially if you have a hard time hiding your emotions as well. Like, if you have a hard time, you're kind of impulsive and want to speak your mind right away. This might be tricky for you anyways. Like, you already might be running into this where, like, it's spilling through the cracks and people are already knowing. So if you haven't already, think about how you can set up your life so you can be even more transparent about it. And then just one more reason before we move on from this one, that one shared that this might be important, especially because it's pretty well correlated with ADHD, that we can have a high justice sensitivity where, like, we want to, you know, defend people. we are like, super tuned in to when there is injustice. So if you're in a setting where you're not, like, where you're around people who aren't kinky, like, they can say some shitty kinky stuff. And so if you've got that high justice sensitivity, like, it might be an immediate battle anyways, where like, you're either feeling tension around, like, really wanting to confront them on it, or you are confronting people anyways. So that's another reason you might consider this, okay? And then, another, like, this is a bit of a bigger life way that I've set up my life for this too, is that if you have the level, the brand of ADHD, where you struggle with productivity for boring tasks, this is a little, I think, contradictory to what some other BDsm, things might say, but I. Oh, my God, some chores are just going to be boring for me no matter what. and kudos to you. If you've been able to figure out a way that, like, being maybe told to do your tasks or having rewards or punishments is exciting for you within your dynamics, you're able to, like, trick yourself that way to get the shit done. That is amazing. For me personally, there are some tasks and, like, adult maintenance life things that I can do well within the dynamic, but there's a lot of things that are just going to be boring, disinteresting to me no matter what. And I've noticed that I can resent my partner or even, like, avoid dynamic if I'm trying to avoid these tasks too. So how I've set up my life with this in mind is I've delegated out the chores, basically that I can't be bothered with so that I'm free for the stuff that is, like, I actually need to be the one to do it. or that I am, like, not as against. So, like, I got a dishwasher. I moved into apartment that did not have a dishwasher, but I was always avoiding dishes. I bought a fucking portable dishwasher that could, like, sit on your countertop because, yes, that's a thing. And so then my task is putting dishes into the dishwasher, but not hand washing dishes. And that alone has changed my life in such a big way. It's incredible. and then another way I've done this is like, vacuuming. I hate vacuuming. I just never would do it. Like, I moved into apartment. I think I was there for, like, six months. Not even really vacuuming or cleaning my floors. Never mopped in that time. Maybe I vacuumed a little bit. Cause I do have a dog. and it's hardwood, so hair would, like, collect in the corners and stuff. But, like, I wasn't really mopping or cleaning things. I just avoid it so hardcore. So I invested in one of those fucking robot vacuums. I got one of the ones that can mop and vacuum, which is amazing. It was certainly like an investment, but they do last a really long time. Like, mine is going strong. And then I got my partner one for Christmas this year too, because we just love it so much. so some other, some ways that this might look for you. Oh, and another way I've done this is I have like, there's just so many different ways that I do this, really. Like I could go on and on and on. I got an automatic pet feeder, so I don't have to like set reminders and feed my pet every day. Like there's literally just a feeder that does it. So then all I have to do is there's a reminder that goes off every week to like refill that. so I have a task once a week rather than a task two times per day. So that has like dramatically helped. so like think about are there areas in your life where like maybe there's already a tool that exists that can do this thing that you're manually doing? Can you bring that in? It's great whenever it's something like an automation or a piece of technology, but there are other ways to delegate it out. if tech or automation is not an option, I just like those options because, well there's like so many automations that can be done that are like depending on the type of tasks. Like there are ways that you can set up your email inbox that automatically filters out and sorts different things into different places and stuff like that. And that just, you set it up once and it happens forever, basically for free. and then depending on the type of tasks you need to do, there might be technology or automations that are very cheap, but then it saves you the brain space, but then there are some tasks that need to be done by a human. So if there's ways that you can delegate that out, I highly recommend doing so because then I'm free for like doing different tasks for my partner and for myself, which is super, super lovely by, yeah, ah, delegating out the stuff I really can't be bothered with. and honestly, like it's not going to improve my life that I'm the one vacuuming and mopping the floors. It's going to improve my life that my floors are clean, you know. so I think there are a lot of things like that where like you don't really have to be the one doing it. it doesn't have to be done by a person. So make that decision one time. Do the steps you got to do to get it done. Also like oh my God, Facebook marketplace for that type of technology is great. That's where I got the portable dishwasher. I think I got it for like a 6th the price just by going on Facebook marketplace. and then with my robot vacuum too, I got like a refurbished one from eBay, actually, from the manufacturer. so it's a lot cheaper as well. And it looks brand freaking new and it's, you know, outlasted its warranty. It's doing great. But anyways. Okay.

And then looping more into, like, the smaller day to day things. I do not have daily tasks I need to do for my partner. we tried this for a while. We brought in, like, task management apps, and it just didn't work. It was more interesting for me to be responsible for my own life stuff so that whenever we got together, I could just focus on us rather than the time we were spending together, being focused on tasks and chores and things like that. So that might not be what you need and what makes sense for you, but consider that daily tasks might not be the move for you within a bdsm dynamic. And also it is responsibility that then is going on to your partner. And then their brain space is being taken up by making sure that you, like, brush your teeth or whatever, compared to like, all the other dirty shit that they could be doing with you. So I think this is where there's more wiggle room and this does really make a lot of sense for a lot of people. I know some people do, like, chore and task charts that work really well and are very exciting for them and like, fucking do it if you can and if it works for you. But I'm just saying, like, we tried this and it does not work. So we just, like, moved on, you know? let's take a little break. Let's talk about some other ways that this looks like. Okay, just a little break to share that. If you are loving this podcast and my content, if I'm someone you could see yourself working with, but you're wanting more direct support for your specific situation. I do offer mentorship, it's personalized to you, private, video or phone calls with me so you can chat about your situation, and figure out a solution that's going to work for you. You can visit my website, it is kinkybesty.com mentorships to see what's available into booking your spot on my calendar. it's kinky with a y at the end and bestie with an ie. The link will be in the show notes so you can check it out there. Back to the show.

All right, welcome back. Let's talk about some more ways that you can create ADHD accommodations for yourself within your BdsM dynamic. Okay. And I love this one. This is the one I was really excited to share. we capture things in the moment because I will fucking forget. I will fucking forget what we talked about. So we set up a way that we can capture notes for things in the moment. so we have, like, there's this awesome, like, free app, google keep, where you can. It's a lot like Google Drive, but it's for, like, a notes list. and you can share notes with people. So my partner can come in and add notes too, if there's something that he thinks of when we're not together and wants to add it in. But, we capture shit in the moment. So for you, this might be, like, if you, like, maybe right after a scene, you do your reflection right away and you document it that way so you have a concrete thing to refer back to rather than having to rely on your memory. It's really nice when it can be something digital and shared like that. some other ways that we use this. Ah. And this isn't really related to BDSM, but we take notes on all the restaurants that we go to and, like, the food we order so that we know what we liked and what we didn't. Because, you know, I will fucking forget if it's been a few months since we went to a restaurant. Sometimes I'll see something on the menu and be like, hey, I think I got that before. I guess I'll get that again. And then I'll get it and eat it and realize, oh, last time I tried this, I actually didn't like it and want to try something else. So the food notes are great, and we just capture notes right in the moment as we're learning and having these thoughts and stuff, which is great to do when you're waiting for the check or whatever. And then we also document when there's movies and shows we want to watch and things we want to do, we just have a running list of what those are. And the big thing is just that we're capturing them in the moment that we're talking about it, so that, again, we're not relying on memory. and you can also make plans for shit in the moment, too. It's another way to do that. another way that I make accommodations for myself is really honoring sensory sensitivities and setting up our scenes with that super in mind. So I've learned about myself that a lot of restraints, I can be really sensitive to, and it can cause some anxiety. and also certain textures are just, like, not going. They're going to be distracting to me if they're on the skin instead of having the effect that you might want them to have, which is, like, focusing and grounding you and calming you. So we avoid a lot of types of restraints. Most types of restraints, honestly. and also, like, if you have touch sensitivity, like, that is a thing we talk about. so I can't do. I can, but if I do the type of touch I'm sensitive to, I will be hyper alerted to it, and it might bring me out of the moment and distract me, and I might go into, like, more of a defensive mode rather than, like, a just relaxing and receiving mode. So there's certain types of touch we avoid. I also, like, am sensitive to, like, feeling wind or breeze or just cold air whenever I'm trying to relax and have sex. So, like, I always have a blankie over me. And just, like, where are those sensory sensitivities? And rather than trying to fight it and, like, get over it, instead, by honoring them and acknowledging and talking about them and setting up our scenes with that in mind, I'm able to be so much more comfortable, and we're able to explore so much deeper and try different things that we might not be able to otherwise. So for you, this might look like just, like, tuning into that, like, journaling about. How does this really make me feel? I think oftentimes we, like, with BDSM especially, you learn about something from porn, and you get excited about it, and then when you do it, you learn that, oh, that actually doesn't feel how I thought it would feel. so it's just like, honoring and tuning into that. And if there's a way that you can make this thing more comfortable for you, oh, my God, your body's only going to be happy. You're going to be happy, your partner's happy, that they're making you more comfortable. So we really honor sensory sensitivities. This, also looks like we avoid, like, a collar. I have a collar I got for myself that I very rarely will wear, but usually I avoid it. We avoid rope. and then we've actually found that, like, chastity belt has been. I really like the sensation of that because it's slightly different. it's mostly silicone, so that doesn't feel like that feels good in the skin. and then the actual, like, chastity piece of it is, like, a pretty smooth metal, which can feel like it's like, this constant pressure, which I really prefer to, like, light touch or something like that. So that's a way that we've, like, found a different type of restraint that works with my sensory sensitivities in mind.

And this ties back into, like, setting your life up in a way where you don't have to hide. but I also keep, like, my, the toys and the equipment pretty freaking visible. I've set my life up in a way where I can ethically do that is amazing. Like, I live alone. I don't have kids. and if I really have people over who aren't kinky, and, like, whenever I have people over, regardless, I'll either say, you know, either disclose, like, hey, just don't go in my bedroom. Or if you go in my bedroom, I'm, okay with you going in there. But know that there's, like, this kinky stuff visible. And if you're okay with that, you can go in there, you know, so there's ways to do it. And even if your life, like, because kids are, like, you know, a factor of life, a lot of people have kids. I totally think it's okay to set boundaries with your kids that you're able to keep. Well, let me talk about the benefit first of why I keep my toys visible. It's that I don't fucking forget about them. Because I used to hide my toys for roommates and things like that, and I would forget about them, then I wouldn't use them, then I wasn't as comfortable, then I wasn't having those sensations. And also I wasn't, like, aware enough to then charge things. so if you have object impermanence and you notice that, like, if it's out of sight, out of mind for you, it might be really beneficial for you to keep the tools that, like, keep you happy and dopamine and are, you know, part of your dynamic and stuff visible. So how can you set up your life for that? So maybe that's creating, a space in your home that's, like, locked or something like that. where so still, like, you know, ethical. Like, other people aren't coming in and seeing your stuff if they don't want to, but you still have a space where your stuff is visible, which is really important, so, that you don't lose it if you have object impermanence. And then I also have, like, super specific, I don't impulse buy toys anymore, basically, is what I'm trying to say. I have. I came up with a list. Like, I learned from my mistakes. Like, okay, these types of toys, I know that I'm able to maintain and, like, the sensation of. And so I, like, run anything that new that I'm going to take in, like a tool or a toy or whatever through that list. and so here's what my list looks like. It's that it's got to be a material that is easy to clean. And for me, easy to clean means usually I can just run the whole thing under the tap, use soap and water. I'm not, you know, big into the toy cleaners, but some toys, you need a cleaner. Soap and water is not an option, but a lot of toys, soap and water is an option, which is lovely. So I stick towards toys that I can just do that. So that, for me, is, like, metal, glass. Glass is the big thing. and then, like, holey, silicone, waterproof toys are also super easy to clean, generally, because you can just use that soapy water situation. So I got to make sure the toys are able, like, super easily, super easy for me to clean. And also, that it's okay if I don't clean them right away is part of that requirement, too. So those materials I just listed do, like, generally meet those qualifications, but there are some, like, more porous cleaning materials, toy materials, where it's really important that you clean it as soon as you can. but I know about myself that, like, it might be a little bit before I do get around to cleaning my toys. I am not always able to force myself to clean it right away. So I work with that, and I get toys that are able to cross off that box instead. you also might consider things like, how easy is it to charge? Like, does this match with my other cables? Am I going to need to get or manage a whole other charging cable for this? Is that going to fit with my lifestyle? what are some other things? Sometimes it's even, like, size. so my partner, my lovely, lovely partner got me a huge fucking dildo a couple christmases ago as a gift. And while we've been able, like, I've been able to get super relaxed and enjoy it, it's not something that you can just like, or that I can just jump right into because it's not a thing I do every day. So with that in mind, I know that my playstyle is that, like, I'm pretty impatient. I like jumping into the lovely sensations. So something that's going to require a lot of foreplay to warm up and get to, it might not be a super good fit for me, because then I notice with that toy sometimes I, like, will rush it because I know what that sensation is like and I want to get to it because it's so lovely. And then I might do it too soon and unintentionally, like, you know, put myself at risk of injury or something like that. Like with this, you know, huge dildo. If I'm not warmed up enough, I can get micro tears. And then, you know, I'm painful. It's painful for a few days, and then you're, you know, maybe susceptible to Sti's and just like, all that kind of stuff. So those are all lovely things to consider. It's basically just learning about yourself and what is going to be realistic for you, what makes the most sense for you, and only bringing things into your life and your dynamic that are going to be a fit for that, which there is definitely a lot of trial and error. and if you are, you know, curious and in this toy buying phase, I do have a super lovely new section of my website and blog I created. it's called the toy box. I'll have the link in the show notes. It's just kinkybestie.com toybox, where I review and share all the toys that I have. and also, like, I ranked them by how ADHD proof they are to maintain, at least by my own standards. So you can, like, read and learn about that, too, and see how these things might be a fit for your lifestyle as well. So, yeah, I hope this was super, super helpful. I would love to hear for you, if you have other ways that you accommodate yourself within your dynamic, what that looks like for you. and hopefully there's some lovely ahas you learned. Like, maybe you learned from something that I shared in a way that I do things that you want to take back into your own relationship. Or maybe you had an aha that's gonna make you think about something else differently within your relationship, just like all the good stuff. And all this applies for solo play, too, duh. So. Ah. Okay. Love y'all so much. I will see you next week. All right, have a good one. Chat soon. Bye.

Thank you so much for joining me this episode, you can follow the podcast on the platform where you're listening to get updates with new episodes. You can follow me on social media. @kinkybestie I'm on Instagram. You, can also check the show notes for any links or resources that I talked about in this episode or just more ways to connect with me. And please share this with your kinky friends who could benefit from this type of content. there is also an option for each podcast episode episode to engage with Ah Q and A's or polls. So I'd love to hear from you and create future episodes around what you want to chime in with, so please check those out in the show notes too, and I look forward to hearing from you. Bye.